I Don’t Want to Raise a Tough Girl, I Want to Raise a Movable One
Kids for sure come out as their own unique selves. People love to tell me my daughter is a mini me, and that’s totally sweet. I appreciate the kindness to me in saying I’m like her, but she is wildly her own person.
She really wanted to play flag football this year, so I signed her up for the community league. I’m proud she was totally fine being the only girl, but I almost fell off the picnic table when they played Capture the Flag in their first practice and she was the only kid who didn’t get captured. She is crazy fast, but I’m mostly proud of her confidence.
Watching your kid become themselves is pretty awesome.
They got creamed in their first game, but none of the kids were bothered by that because they have a good coach who is teaching them how to play and how to be good sports. My daughter got to run the ball twice, and she was so proud that everyone saw how fast and movable she was, dodging the defensive line and racing down the field.
She wasn’t successful because she could withstand more force. She was successful because she could move around it.
My own softness practice teaches me that care for others starts and continues with how I care for, treat, and move myself. Am I stiff and rigid? If so, I’m passing that along by teaching my child and everyone around me how to react to someone who is stiff and rigid. Usually that’s by adopting a similar behavior or a coping habit.
I take no credit for the natural ability and drive of my child to be the best she can be, but I do take credit for how I am, how I choose to be in each moment, and I know that we are leading each other. Everything we do, including how we move and how we feel, affects everyone around us.
When I was little, my step-grandpa called me “meaner than dirt” and “tougher than nails.” It must have been repeated a lot because I sure remember that. It was meant as a compliment, I suppose, that I was a tough girl.
I didn’t see myself as needing to behave like a girl, in a time and culture where girls were meant to be in dresses, coloring, while the boys were outside tossing the ball. I got dirty. I spoke my mind. Being yourself, when you are a girl, is a rebellious act.
We teach girls to be tough so they can handle a hard world. It’s understandable, but I believe in a better way. I have evidence of a better way.
Understanding the events and mood of my childhood, and so many of ours that we share, I’m grateful I found a practice that can show me my habits and lead me toward moving in harmony. A Softness Break is a little practice I can use every time I notice I’m not behaving in line with my best self.
I don’t need to be meaner than dirt or tougher than nails. I simply need to be my full, unique, awesome self. When I am, I can more easily model that for my daughter and do all the other obvious things that come along with doing our best as parents.
Feeding myself and her well. Reminding her she is awesome not only with words but with behavior. Listening to her. Responding with care. Keeping her safe. Signing her up for the activities she expresses interest in. Guiding her to do better in areas where she can improve without pushing too much.
Soft parenting isn’t about being softer on our kids. It’s about becoming less rigid in ourselves. It’s probably best if we don’t have another parenting label or trend, but we learn from the past and our own selves and always aim to be better.
I hear a lot of feedback from our community about how softness has improved people’s lives in almost unbelievable ways. Improved health, finding an exciting and supportive career, meeting an awesome partner, and all kinds of things that can sound almost silly to claim, but are actually true. And now I think I’m in the middle of my own testimonial, one I care about deeply. This is how my own softness practice is affecting my child positively. My softness is helping her be her most capable self.
It’s important to me, in my work of sharing softness, that relaxation and rest aren’t the goal. They are a necessary part of it, but the point is what becomes possible when we have access to more of ourselves. Having a big career, becoming healthy, raising a capable kid, or figuring out some beautiful way to serve in our local community. That’s the stuff we all know is most important in life.
We can work toward these things with rigidity or with softness. I’ll keep getting on my soapbox that softness is the better way, well, as long as you’ll have me.
There is no perfect parent or perfect version of ourselves, but with softness, we have a better chance of raising kids who can accomplish so much more with less tension.
Maybe our job isn’t to make life gentle for our kids. Maybe it’s to help them stay movable through whatever life brings.
We can raise our kids while we re-raise ourselves and have a chance at not only achieving the most we can, but feeling connected to ourselves and each other along the way.
Let’s Keep Going Together
Softness is something we experience together. If you’d like to keep exploring this practice with me, here are a few ways we can connect.
📖 Living Softly
My new book, Living Softly, is available now for pre-order.
It’s a guide to accomplishing more with less tension, dropping No Pain, No Gain, and discovering that your greatest strength comes from softness, not struggle.
📱 Practice Online
This is your home studio.
A new class is waiting for you every day:
Monday: Weights with Ease
Tuesday: Tai Chi
Wednesday: LIVE Gentle Yoga
Thursday: Weights with Ease
Friday: LIVE Energize Yoga
Saturday: Tai Chi Flow
Sunday: Restorative
Get comfortable, move in a way that feels supportive, notice how you feel, and let all the benefits soak in.
→ Download the Strala Yoga app
🌿 Practice In Person
I’d love to see you.
Effingham, Illinois – Saturdays (when I’m in town)
Amsterdam – September 19–20
Weekend of Softness, Metzingen – September 26–27
OM Yoga Show, London – October 16–18
