Did You Win?
Life isn’t about winning or losing, and if you think it is, you’re a moron.
Ok, before you get too mad at me, that was just a line from a dream I had last night. Let me explain.
My kid had her third football game last night, and we’ve all been conditioned to ask the following, and often only, question about that game, and it’s the wrong one. Did you win?
In my dream, I was hanging with a bunch of kids and people, and James Clear from Atomic Habits was there. A kid came up to him and presented a paper with a contest they wanted to enter. He said, “Do you think you will win?” The kid immediately got defeated, started wondering if they could win, and decided not to enter. I interjected, the way you do in a heroic dream. By the way, I was just so happy to be in a dream that I was aware of that wasn’t scary for me. I proclaimed, “Life isn’t about winning or losing, and if you think it is, you’re a moron.”
I went on to explain that when you spend your energy improving at everything you do, every opportunity you have, you get immeasurably better at everything you do. Your whole self improves, your skills improve, and you improve how you relate to those around you.
The wisdom of tai chi and its practical applications in life reinforce this concept. It’s only in our oversimplification of wanting things to have a winner and a loser that we lose the concept that when you win, you also lose, and when you lose, you also win.
Back to the football game. This being their third game, the parents and supporters on the sidelines are starting to form a real rapport. We cheer together, smile at each other, and feel more relaxed and open around each other as we and the team learn and improve how they work together. Their coach works with them in practice on improving their plays and minimizing the places where they have made the same mistakes. They have improved at how comfortable they are with each other and themselves, and they have improved greatly in how they work together as a team.
My girl has improved in her ability to let her team see her full, big personality. She knows more about the game than she did a couple weeks or so ago when they first started, and this last game she got two touchdowns and ran the most yards she ever has, considering they’ve now played two more games. The parents on the other team next to us in the lawn chairs all started saying quietly, then loudly, “Dang, that girl is good.” Our quarterback made a crazy long pass no one thought would be caught, and their teammate not only caught it, but ran it for another touchdown.
In the beginning of the game, our center and quarterback missed the catch of the ball in their hike and backed into their own end zone. Apparently, the other team gets points for that. One of the kids got shaken for a moment in a tussle, and our coach walked him off the field to big claps from the parents, proud that he was ok and did his best. Our coach spent a good amount of time with him on the sideline to make sure he was ok, walking back and forth while the game was still playing. Our team made a few mistakes during this time. They kind of lost focus, which was a good experience to have, how you respond to a friend walking off the field and also being ok when the game is continuing. Now they have experience with that.
My girl had several good friends who came out to watch her. They were impressed with how well she did, how fast she runs, and how well they all played as a team. Later, I ran into another friend who asked the binary question, Did you win?
I picture an imagined situation of a kid going home whose parents weren’t at the game. He walks in the door after getting a ride home from a friend. Well kid, did you win or lose? And here is where we can truly make a difference in the lives of others. We can encourage ourselves and each other to get better, to improve, to notice the improvement in ourselves and each other, and to keep going, expanding what’s possible. We can move easy, everything we’ve got, in every direction we can.
Well, we won and lost and we lost and won.
And that’s a very different perspective than everyone gets a trophy. When you win and lose and lose and win, you always improve, and when you always improve, you can accomplish so much more and learn to be in harmony with everything around you. One brings you into the richness of real life, and one keeps you from it. How wonderful to give our kids, and ourselves, that richness.
It seems like it would be a silly question after a yoga class. Did you win or lose? But ironically enough, we put those pressures on ourselves and each other. Did you do a handstand? Did you balance in tree pose? Did you do your crow pose? When you focus on one arbitrary waypoint as the goal, you miss an entire horizon of possibility.
I’ve always found this profoundly silly with binary yoga. The pose is the goal. Go deeper, put the student into the position. I spent 20 years doing my best to untangle the problem until I realized it’s not just a problem with yoga, it’s a problem with all of life.
I get the same question, and I’m sure you do too, in the various roles we play. I go off and lead Strala Yoga trainings in different cities around the world. Some people ask incredible questions like, what happened in the room, what did you teach, and how did it all go? Some people ask the binary question, how many people were there? The second question I expect, but it is the wrong one, and it’s bugged me every time.
Counting heads like cattle as a measure of success is one that, if we learn how to practice our way out of it, can lead us toward much more success. Yes, the class was full. Yes, it matters, otherwise I wouldn’t be able to travel and teach it sustainably, but that’s not the interesting part.
I lead a community class where we are here in rural Illinois, and if we have 10 people, it’s beyond packed. That’s a long way off from what I’m used to, number-wise, in NYC and when I travel for my workshops, but the same kind of transformation is equally possible. Not because of the size of the class, but because I’m more interested in the chances before and after to listen to what people are going through or want to share, so I can use all of what I have and know to respond with care.
Healing happens as a result of making a good connection with yourself and then someone else. That was possible in NYC because I prioritized coming to the studio at least 30 minutes before class and hanging around at least 30 minutes after, in case any of these moments presented themselves. That same connection is even easier in my local community class because there are only a few people. I get to talk with the same few people before and after class here locally, and the people who are connected to what I’m offering get that connection for double the amount of time. The transformations in our local classes are making me emotional.
That’s softness.
Let’s Keep Going Together
Softness is something we experience together. If you’d like to keep exploring this practice with me, here are a few ways we can connect.
📖 Living Softly
My new book, Living Softly, is available now for pre-order.
It’s a guide to accomplishing more with less tension, dropping No Pain, No Gain, and discovering that your greatest strength comes from softness, not struggle.
📱 Practice Online
This is your home studio.
A new class is waiting for you every day:
Monday: Weights with Ease
Tuesday: Tai Chi
Wednesday: LIVE Gentle Yoga
Thursday: Weights with Ease
Friday: LIVE Energize Yoga
Saturday: Tai Chi Flow
Sunday: Restorative
Get comfortable, move in a way that feels supportive, notice how you feel, and let all the benefits soak in.
→ Download the Strala Yoga app
🌿 Practice In Person
I’d love to see you.
Effingham, Illinois – Saturdays (when I’m in town)
Amsterdam – September 19–20
Weekend of Softness, Metzingen – September 26–27
OM Yoga Show, London – October 16–18
