I Planted a Seed in What's Already Here
We planted these sunflower seeds a few months ago. My mom told me sunflowers were my dad’s favorite flower. I don’t know if that’s true, but to me he feels like a sunflower, even more now that he’s gone and I experience him differently. Long in every direction, reaching beyond reason, seemingly wobbly yet steady in the breeze, with a beautiful, playful side that not everyone got to see. My dad hardly said anything, quietly observing the world around him. Every once in a while he would come out of nowhere with a joke, laughing at his own delivery before he even got to the funny part, or telling a Navy story about one of his fellow sailors getting in trouble and having to put his socks in his mouth. The way my dad described the green sludge that came out while his shipmate endured what must have felt like a mouthful of slugs stays with ya.
We have this little planter box that’s kind of falling apart. A neighbor had a cool suggestion to replace it with a fire pit or a hot tub, or rip up our deck and expand over the space. All of that would probably look great in an Architectural Digest home tour, but something inside me tells me not to give in to the urge to conquer and control, whether it’s coming from outside or inside. Just because you can do something doesn’t mean you should. I sort of love that the planter box is falling apart a bit. If I can make something beautiful of it, maybe I can save myself and, in turn, save the whole world. Or I could rip it all up and paste over it with my idea of what’s better. It’s all a choice. Right now, I choose to plant a seed in what’s already broken and see if I can help it become something beautiful.
Now, after a few months since planting, we can see the sunflowers peeking over it from the living room, inviting us outside to water them, appreciate them, wonder at them, and maybe appreciate ourselves a little more too.
It’s my softness practice that I have to thank for helping me make the best of what’s already here instead of always trying to escape it, change it, or tear it down. There is an ancient wisdom in the practice of wu wei. One simple way to understand it is use what you need, rest what you don’t. We can grow, repair what we have, and encourage the good that’s already here without believing everything needs to be destroyed before something beautiful can happen.
Use the energy you need for the task at hand. Accomplish more with less tension. It’s a practice, and it feels so good along the way, even when things are hard. It’s true counter culture to most of what we see around us. The more we practice, the more we change culture.
Yesterday reminded me that this practice isn’t something I do when life is calm. It’s exactly what carries me through when life isn’t.
Yesterday, during a non-stop day of family and work, I had a strange and sharp feeling that I needed to go check on my mom. I only had a few minutes before I needed to take my daughter to gymnastics, so she wasn’t thrilled about the detour. My instinct was right. My mom didn’t answer the door. I used my key to let myself in, and she wasn’t there. We checked the tracker we keep in her purse. She was down the street, a couple of blocks away, around the corner and out of sight, sitting in her car parked on the side of the road, trying to get to her mom’s house but not remembering which way to go. My grandma lives a couple of towns over, but it’s a pretty straight drive that my mom has made hundreds of times. It’s been the last route we were carefully allowing her to drive, something that’s common with people living with dementia.
I ended up getting in her car, taking a few deep breaths with her, and driving her to my grandma’s, where she wanted to go. After I settled my own excitement, I noticed the hair tie around my wrist that I had planned to use to make a ponytail for my daughter. I felt sad for a moment that someone else would get the privilege of making that ponytail and worried that my daughter might not feel cared for by me in that moment. But I understood, once again, that as moms, as women, as people, we can’t do it all. We can, however, do so much more when we carry less tension, worry, and stress. And I, I’m sure a lot like you, want to do, experience and give a lot. So I know to prioritize letting go of stress and tension, even in these difficult moments, especially in these difficult moments.
Thankfully, we were rolling with two drivers, so Mike could take Daisy to gymnastics and no one missed out on where they needed to go. I chose the approach with my mom that I often remind myself of, ride the horse in the direction it’s heading. Instead of having the serious talk I’d been preparing myself for by reading so much about dementia and piles of memoirs from families who have lived through it, I realized there is no preparing for these moments. There is only how you prepare yourself, where your energy is, and what you’re capable of bringing to each moment.
It can be a spiritual practice to realize there are no “spiritual moments.” There are only moments. We are spirit already, that’s the obvious part. No one gets to be more spiritual or more worthy than someone else. That’s the awesome part. The question is whether we’re calm enough to connect with ourselves, with each other, and with everything we’re capable of noticing.
I told my mom how much I like to drive. I told her I’m so good at driving. I love driving. Driving is my favorite. I started channeling Elf in my enthusiasm. I told her my job is my family, yoga with the people, writing books and now driving! My mom always prioritized, encouraged, and praised work, maybe not always in the most balanced way, but so many of us understand that way of living. We appreciate the effort more than we criticize it, while also allowing ourselves to pursue a better way, to break up with No Pain No Gain, to notice how we feel instead of pushing down our connection to ourselves, and to do our best to use our energy for good. Not because we’ve gone soft, but because softness is what mobilizes us. It enables all action.
My approach with my mom is one I aim to take every day, but sometimes I’m tired, frustrated, or caught off guard by something she’s doing. The other day I walked into her house and found her writing down random dates, thinking they were phone numbers that were already saved in her phone. At first I told her she was doing something that wasn’t leading anywhere useful. Then I caught myself. If she wants to write down numbers, I can sit with her the same way I’d help a small child open a box of paints. Together is better. Not every action needs to be productive. It’s about creating a feeling of safety and togetherness. We’re not optimizing for function right now. We’re not going to recover from this. Things are not going to get better, but we can make the best of what we have in every moment.
She wanted to see her mom, so I drove her to Grandma’s. I wanted to see Grandma too. We looked at the new quilt she’s working on. She’s ninety-six now and has made hundreds of quilts for everyone she loves.
Before we left, my grandma, the matriarch of our family, handed me the sunglasses I’d left at her house on my last visit, that I thought I lost. Grandma has it all together at ninety-six, with her own extraordinary life story of love, loss, and so much living. Our guides are everywhere. We just have to notice them.
Today I’ll take my cues from these sunflowers, growing long in every direction, reaching beyond reason, surprisingly steady, exploding with beauty. I’ll do my best to follow along their great leading.
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Effingham Illinois. Join us on Saturdays (when I’m in town) for an easy going Energize Yoga class. I’m so excited to be a part of this midwestern, artsy community. If you’re making a trip out of it, send me a note and I’ll send you all the good spots to visit! RSVP your space
Kansas City, MO. July 25-26. I’m so excited to offer our weekend intensive a little closer to home for so many in our community. Join us at Maya Yoga, July 25-26 for the Strala Weekend 20+Hour Intensive. RSVP your space here.
Amsterdam, Netherlands. September 19-20. It’s a homecoming for sure to Amsterdam. We’ve been a couple times a year for many years and this will be my first time back since the pandemic. It will be so good to see everyone. Amsterdam is a great city with great people to visit if you want to make a trip out of it! RSVP your space here.
Weekend of Softness, Metzingen, Germany, Sept 26-27. I’m joining longtime Strala Guide and partner studio owner Anna Rampf, to celebrate our community in a weekend of softness and connection. You’ll love Metzingen, it’s so nice. RSVP here.
Om Show London, October 16, 17 & 18. I’m so excited to be back leading classes and workshops at the Om Show this fall. RSVP here.
